Rivers
by Penguin-chan
Summary: One cannot cross the same river twice just as it is impossible to fall in love again like the first time. (TsuzukiHisoka)


**River** by **Penguin**

**Disclaimer:** I make no claim to YnM.

**Theme:** One crosses a river only once.

**Warning:** There are Kyoto arc spoilers. They're in the second paragraph of the Fourth Phase.

**A/N:** I wrote this for my Creative Writing class. We were supposed to write an original story with the given theme but I cheated and wrote fanfiction. Bite me! The format and plot is sort of inspired by Thomas Hardy's novel, Tess of the D'Urbervilles. Read it:) (Oh, and I used the same opening sentence in my other fic, 'Surrender'.)

The timeline is roughly during and three years after the Kyoto arc. The place where Tsuzuki and Hisoka are staying three years ago in Phase the fourth is Meifu's hospital wing.

'It is impossible to fall in love again

for the first time.'

Justine U. Camacho

**Phase the first;**

Hisoka never would have thought that it would feel like this. He had never thought that it would feel so great, so complete, so _real_ to spend some more time with Tsuzuki. He smiled absently — the first time he smiled in a long time, in point of fact — as Tsuzuki ushered him to a ride. He could still hear Tsuzuki's laughter echoing in his ears as he entered the ride. When the ride came to a terrifying halt mid-air, he simply sighed, slightly annoyed. He leaned his head against Tsuzuki's chest and it felt so warm and comforting.

Hisoka thought that everything would be all right as long as he was with Tsuzuki. He wished that he could spend his whole _after_life with Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki tugged his sleeve and motioned for Hisoka to get off the ride. He had not even noticed that it was over. Later, Hisoka thought to himself, they'd have some popcorn. They'd watch a movie. Then they'd cuddle in bed after a tiring day. Tsuzuki would whisper such soft endearments to his ear. Hisoka would call him an idiot like he always did.

"Idiot. You sweet-talking liar," and then he would playfully hit Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki wouldn't be upset, of course, because he knew that Hisoka never really meant the things that he says. He _never_ did.

**Phase the second;**

How did it end up like this? Hisoka found it hard to pinpoint a certain event; found it hard to say 'this is what ruined it. This is what ruined us.' Maybe it was because Tsuzuki found him too unbearable, found his callousness detestable, his silence deafening, or maybe… maybe it just wasn't supposed to _be_ from the very start and their ending was simply foreordained.

Hisoka kept silent and let it pass. He looked down upon Tsuzuki's worn-out mat and watched his lover try to sleep. It was too strange now. Where there once were smiles, hugs, kisses, carnival rides, and popcorn now lay an unbridgeable chasm between them. Hisoka felt the hardest blow when Tsuzuki decided that they sleep in separate beds.

Hisoka watched tears trickle down Tsuzuki's chin and he wanted to wipe them away so badly that it hurt, but he couldn't find the strength to do so. He was afraid. Afraid that one more wrong more would completely destroy his and Tsuzuki's already wounded relationship. Tsuzuki would not even let Hisoka get close to him. He'd always say that he would just get himself hurt, oblivious to the fact that he was already hurting Hisoka. Hisoka could do nothing more than watch his lover weep.

Tsuzuki looked beautiful even when crying. The room was dark and barely illuminated by moonlight so that Tsuzuki's face was hardly perceptible. It was a trick of the moon, then, that made it seem like he was crying tears of silver.

After a long while, Tsuzuki stopped crying and grasped for Hisoka's hand. He said something but the other didn't hear him properly and asked for it to be repeated. Tsuzuki repeated it very faintly.

To Hisoka, it could have been 'I like you' or 'Goodbye', and, he thought with a shudder, maybe even both.

**Phase the third;**

Someone once said that you could not cross the same river twice. Hisoka had found is absurd — unbelievable, even, and he was learning just how wrong he was now.

Tatsumi sat across him. Tatsumi was Hisoka's friend from work — also Tsuzuki's. They had a lot of things in common but Hisoka doubted that Tatsumi could ever fill up the empty space in his heart where Tsuzuki once resided.

The awkward silence was not foreign to Hisoka but he could sense Tatsumi's discomfort. Hisoka quickly asked about the weather but berated himself a second later. How could the weather be possibly different? They lived in the same area!

Tatsumi laughed for the first time during their 'date'. He then proposed to go to the carnival. The laughter stopped.

Someone once said that you could not cross the same river twice. Hisoka now supposed that it was the same when it came to falling in love too.

**Phase the fourth;**

Hisoka thought back to the day three years ago when everything _really_ ended.

They had just wrapped up a case in Kyoto. Exposed a university guilty of human cloning experiments. Found the person responsible for a string of killings. The whole case was surrounded with an air of grief, tears, and desperation — Tsuzuki tried to kill himself, even.

But that day, he had just woken up to the sight of sunlight being filtered by the blinds, as if a sign of hope and a new day. He opened the blinds completely and engulfed himself in the warm sunshine, which was like one of Tsuzuki's hugs. He turned his head and looked to where his partner was sleeping.

Maybe today, he'd finally ask Tsuzuki what was wrong. Maybe today, he'd finally cave in and hug Tsuzuki and then the void between them would disappear and… and then everything would be back to normal. Maybe, maybe…

Hisoka walked over to Tsuzuki and nudged him. He felt cold — so cold. He shivered and nudged Tsuzuki again. Nothing happened. He did it again and again but nothing changed.

That moment, everything seemed to grow cold and empty.

Even Tsuzuki's warm blood spilling from his wrists unto the pristine white sheets or the rivers of blood streaming from his stomach seemed to grow cold under Hisoka's touch.

**Phase the fifth;**

Even now, Hisoka wished that the day Tsuzuki died would repeat itself. It would be so nice, even to feel that pain again, just to see Tsuzuki and whisper 'I love you' one last time.

But instead, the only answer he got from his prayers was one sickening line that kept repeating itself over and over again in his head: 'One crosses a river only once.'

Review, please. :D


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